Life Is for the Alive, Honey
by LightLeadingMe
Summary: Karen's life begins to spiral out of control after Stan dies. She loses herself quickly and she pushes her friends away in the process. AU after Season 5


Karen couldn't move. She tried, several times, but her body was rocked to the core. She heard ruffling and then felt the mattress lift as the person next to her stood up. The smell of sex filled her nostrils and her stomach flipped.

Karen opened her eyes and squinted, trying to adjust to her blurry surroundings. The hotel room was in disarray, clothes, furniture, and broken glass strewn around. She could barely make out the remnants of cocaine on the bedside table lying alongside her cell phone and cigarettes. Slowly she began to sit up and saw the man she spent the night with getting dressed. Some movement in the corner of her right eye caught her attention and she looked to the other side of the bed where another man began to rouse from his slumber.

' _Fuck_ ,' she thought to herself. She reached her leg out and kicked the guy until he fell out of the bed.

"The fuck!" he exclaimed from the floor.

She looked down at herself and found the unmistakable bruises on her wrists and ankles. She didn't want to think about the fact that her neck most likely had the same marks of rough fingers. She noticed the sheets were pooled around her waist and she lifted them up to cover her breasts as she leaned back against the headboard.

The young man on the floor stood up and began to dress as well. She can't recall where the first one went, but she couldn't bring herself to care either. She just wanted them gone.

It took twenty minutes and some choice words for the men to finally leave. They each muttered a "bitch" at her before walking out the door. Karen leaned back and squeezed her eyes shut. Memories of the night before flashed in her mind; the two men hitting on her at the bar, the burning in her nose from the line she had just snorted as the men undressed her, the feel of one of them pounding into her from behind while the other thrust in her mouth. Her stomach lurched again and she felt the bile rise in her throat. She searched the room desperately and found half a bottle of vodka on the floor next to the bed. She quickly opened the bottle and chugged the remaining contents, washing the feeling of disgust and vomit down her throat.

She hated herself.

Karen sighed and climbed out of the bed slowly, making her way to the bathroom. She turned on the shower and stood under the heavy stream, her eyes cast down at the water going in circles and disappearing into the drain. She felt much like that water. Her life was spiraling out of control and falling down the drain as the days went by. Ever since Stan died two months ago Karen turned more and more to drugs, alcohol, and blackout nights of wild sex. Her normal amount of pills were no longer enough. She found that coke and heroin had a much better effect after drinking herself into oblivion. She'd get high and drunk, ridding herself of any feelings and then she'd find some lonely guy at a bar and demand he choke her out while he fucked her hard and fast to get those feelings back. Days later she would wake up from her binge and her body and mind would fill with disgust at herself, her actions, and the chaos that surrounded her.

She felt the water become cold and it snapped her out of her thoughts. She quickly finished cleaning herself and stepped out of the shower. Her cell was ringing on the table when she emerged from the bathroom, dressed with her hair wrapped in a towel, and she stared at it blankly until it stopped. Her friends had been trying to get a hold of her for weeks now and she kept declining their calls and visits to her home. She didn't want them to see her like this.

When she finally arrived back at the manse she opened the door to her bedroom to find Jack sitting on the edge of her bed. She froze in her place and dropped her purse on the ground. Jack looked up at her and jumped up from the bed to make his way over to her.

"Karen!" he exclaimed, grabbing her wrist.

At her painful wince he let go and studied her quietly. She avoided eye contact, her face partially turned from him, but he could see the redness around her nose, the bruises on her wrists, the impression of hands around her throat, and the needle marks in her arms. Karen could kick herself for taking off her jacket before she reached her room. Although, she didn't expect to run into anyone in the privacy of her own home.

"Karen," Jack whispered and she flinched at the sound of his voice. "What happened to you?"

She couldn't deal with this right now. She wasn't ready to face her demons. She didn't know when she would be ready, but right now she just wanted to lay down and sleep for a few days. She needed to get rid of him.

Karen whipped her head up and glared at him. "What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped, her voice deeper than usual.

Jack's eyes widened and he stepped back a bit. "I've been worried sick, Kare," he explained, his tone more serious than she's ever heard before. "No one has heard from you for weeks, Rosario never knows where you are... I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine, goddamnit," she growled. "Now get the hell out."

He furrowed his brow at her and frowned, ignoring her demand. "You're not fine, look at you..." he gestured to her disheveled appearance. "What are you doing to yourself?"

She saw the tears in his eyes and stiffened, growing madder by the minute. "It's none of your fucking business!" she yelled, shoving him back forcefully. Jack stumbled and stared at her in shock, his hand on his chest where she pushed him. "Get. Out." She clenched her fists tightly and stared him down until he finally gulped and stepped around her to leave.

"I love you, Karen," he whispered before she heard the door shut behind her.

Karen felt the tears she had desperately been trying to keep in fall down her cheeks and she angrily wiped them away. She found a stray bottle of pills and some rum on a table near her vanity and quickly tossed them down, swallowing the pain and heartache down until she couldn't feel it anymore. She threw on a tight black dress and slipped into her five inch heels. She applied some makeup on her face and spritzed herself with some expensive perfume before heading back out.

She usually took a few days rest before going back out again, but seeing the concern on Jack's face made her feel things she did not want to feel. She didn't want him to worry for her. She obviously didn't care about herself and she didn't want him or anyone else to either.

"Miss Karen?"

She ignored Rosie as she strode out the front door of the manse and practically punched the elevator button down. Once she was on the street, the harsh winter cold slapped her in the face. In her haste to get out of her apartment she forgot her coat, purse, and phone. She couldn't go back. There was no time. She needed her fix and quick before her feelings overtook her and told her to stop the madness that was currently her life.

She walked until she found a familiar alley. Her dealer lived in one of the nearby apartments. He was a young guy that occasionally gave her a break when she forgot her wallet. A blowjob would quickly make up for lack of money in his eyes and she was more than willing when she was in need of a fix. She stopped at a door and knocked twice, waiting impatiently. When a few minutes passed and no one came she knocked harder. Her hands shook and her head pounded. He was always there at this time, why wasn't he answering?

"Ah, Mrs. Walker..."

Karen spun around and stared wide eyed at a burly man with a clean cut beard, dressed in a nice suit, a gold ring on his right pinky, and a menacing smile on his face. "Who the hell are you?" she spat.

The man's devilish smirk grew larger. "You don't know?" he asked, his voice gruff. "I'm Jonathan's boss."

"Who the fuck is Jonathan?"

He let out a humorless laugh. "The man you get your drugs from?" He pointed to the door behind her that she was just pounding on seconds before. "I paid him a little visit today, looking for my money, but wouldn't you know it, he's cleaned the place out." He stepped towards her and Karen backed up, feeling suddenly uneasy at being in a dark alley with this man. "I've heard through the grapevine that you haven't been paying either." In a flash, he grabbed her upper arms and slammed her into the brick wall, delighting in the pain that flashed across her face. "So you wouldn't mind giving me a bit of that sexy mouth of yours too now would you?"

"Fuck you!" she exclaimed and spat in his face. Regret immediately rushed through her when his fist collided with her cheek, knocking her to the ground and rendering her immobile for a few moments.

"You have to pay some way, Karen," he sneered. "I was willing to let it be just a blowjob since I've heard great things, but now I want something more." Before she could react, she felt the man lift her up by her hair to a standing position. She cried out, but he quickly covered her mouth with his hand. "Shut up," he growled. "If you're quiet maybe I'll give you a treat after."

Karen vigorously shook her head. A fog seemed to lift and she wanted nothing more than to be back in her bedroom with Jack, accepting his love and his help. Instead she was here, in this dark alley, with a man's hand pushing her dress up to her hips. She tried to fight him off, but he punched her again and for a few minutes all she could see was stars. When she finally got her vision back, the man already had his dick out and had lifted her up, holding her roughly against the wall of the building. She grabbed at his shoulders and weakly pushed at him and he just laughed before he forced himself into her. She began to scream again and he smacked her across the face to shut her up. The stars were back and her body went limp as he finished himself off between her legs.

* * *

Jack was pacing the streets of New York, desperately searching for Karen. Not too long after she demanded he leave her alone did he rustle up some courage and make his way back to the manse to force her to talk with him. He was going to help her no matter how much she kicked and screamed at him. She was his best friend and he couldn't lose her. He saw the dark circles, the bruises, and the needle marks and knew she was going to kill herself if she continued her habits. Karen could always hold her liquor and take more pills than anyone he knew, but ever since the funeral she became much worse. She stopped showing up for work, stopped answering his calls; she stopped living.

He needed to get her back.

He turned down another street and shivered at the unsettling feeling in his stomach. He was in a bad part of town, but Jack forced himself to keep going, desperate to find Karen. He hurried by an alleyway, but suddenly stopped. He thought he saw someone next to a dumpster, but it could have been a homeless person. He continued his trek for another few strides and stopped again. He couldn't assume it wasn't Karen. She was so outside of herself that it very easily could have been her. He spun around and began a light jog towards the alley.

He slowed once he reached the mouth of the alley and peered down the dimly lit area. There was a woman on the ground, slumped against the wall next to the dumpster. He kept telling himself it wasn't Karen, but the closer he got the more of her he recognized. The shoes, the dress, the dark hair. It was her.

"Karen!" Jack screamed. He ran as fast as he could, practically falling to the ground when he got close to her. She was knocked out cold. His hands shook as he ghosted them over her battered body. He didn't want to cause any more damage than what was already inflicted upon her. He snatched his cell from his pocket and quickly dialed 911. He spoke to the dispatcher, sobbing loudly over the receiver as he stared down at his best friend. It was minutes before he heard the sirens.

Everything was a blur of lights and questions and before Jack knew it he was in the hospital waiting room, staring blankly at the wall.

"Jack?"

His head snapped up and he saw Will, Grace, and Rosario in front of him. He stood slowly, his legs weak and shaky from the emotional turmoil. "They won't let me see her," he said, his voice groggy and deep. "She's been in there for an hour and they won't let me see her!"

Will grabbed him by the back of his neck and brought him to his chest as Jack broke down and cried heavily. "You found her, Jack," he whispered. "That's all that matters. You found her."

It was another hour before a doctor finally came into the waiting room. "Are you here for Mrs. Walker?" They all jumped from their chairs, desperate for information. "It seems Mrs. Walker has been involved in some heavy drugs and alcohol consumption. Were any of you aware of her recent habits?"

They all nodded, but Will was the one that spoke up. "She hasn't talked to us in weeks. She's always had an affinity for that stuff, but never anything this bad."

"Doctor," Jack said. "When I found her... she had bruises on her face. I had just seen her this afternoon and she only had bruises on her arms and neck."

The doctor sighed and glanced at his clipboard before addressing them again. "It looks like Mrs. Walker was beaten and raped. She was near an apartment complex that is known for it's drug distribution. The police suspect she was looking to buy when she was attacked." He gave them a look of sympathy and cleared his throat. "She should be awake by now, so you can see her whenever you're ready. I must warn you, though. She's going to start detoxing and it's going to be very hard. We have her on a low dosage of pain medicine for the battery, but nothing more. She needs to get the drugs and alcohol out of her system completely."

After thanking the doctor, the group made their way to Karen's room. They entered slowly, their hearts dropping at the sight of their friend on the bed. Her dark hair was a stark contrast to the white sheets, and her skin was pale and she was sweating. Her face was gaunt and her arms bony from the lack of nutrition and excessive amount of drugs that she put in her body daily. Grace stopped halfway into the room and turned into Will, sobbing into his shoulder while he cried silently, his eyes never leaving Karen. Rosario sat in the chair next to the bed and tearfully mumbled some Spanish to her boss, taking her fragile hand between her hands.

Jack went to the other side, his fingers brushing her hair away from her face. "I'm so sorry I left, Kare," he whispered. "I should have stayed and fought with you. I should have protected you." He choked out a sob and leaned down, burying his face in her bony shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

Karen awoke with a start. She never felt so sick in her entire life. He body shook and she was drenched in sweat. There was an incessant beeping coming from her left and she felt like she couldn't move. Her body hurt and her mind was foggy. It was bright. Too bright. A muffled voice came from her right and she turned her head slowly, her head spinning.

"Karen?" Jack said, trying to meet her eyes, but they were darting all over the room. "Karen look at me," he pleaded.

She looked down at herself, frowning at the hospital gown and the needles coming out of her arm and hand that were hooked up to an IV and morphine drip. "Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital," Jack answered, trying to get her to look at him.

The voice came again and she tried to find the source, but her eyes couldn't focus on anything. "Where am I?" she repeated louder. She started flailing around, attempting to rip the needles out of her arms.

"Karen!" Jack screamed, grabbing her hands to stop her. "Karen look at me!"

She felt someone grabbing her hands and the blur of a man in front of her. Flashes of the man in the alley came to her and she started screaming. "Get off me! No! Get off! Help!"

The doctor and two nurses rushed in, Will following behind them, hearing the commotion from down the hall.

The nurses began to strap her to the bed while the doctor added a sedative to her IV drip.

"Help!" she screamed louder. "No! Get off!" She was strapped down and couldn't move at all now. Her eyes finally focused and she saw Jack at the end of the bed. "Jack!" she cried out in desperation. "Jack, he's hurting me! Help me!"

"It's okay, Karen," he said.

Her body felt heavy and the image of Jack began to blur. "Jackie, please," she whispered. Her eyelids fluttered and then everything went black.

Jack wiped the tears from his cheeks and turned to Will who was standing beside him, rubbing his back gently. "What are we going to do, Will?"

* * *

When she awoke again her mind was less foggy. Her head was still heavy and her body ached, but she felt infinitely better. She remembered the events that led her to where she was now, strapped to a hospital bed and shame filled her entire body. She turned her head and settled her eyes on Jack who was sitting beside her, sound asleep in the hospital chair he had pulled up to her bed.

"He refuses to leave."

Karen looked towards the end of the bed and saw Will with his arms crossed, staring down at her with worry in his eyes.

He cleared his throat and moved to stand next to Jack, his hand reaching out and resting on her forearm. "I've told him every day to go home and get some rest, but he refuses. Even the doctors can't get him to leave." He let out a soft chuckle and shook his head as he looked at his sleeping friend.

Karen just stared up at Will, a deep frown on her face. "How long have I been here?" Her voice was rasp and it almost hurt to talk.

Will tore his gaze from Jack and sighed, locking his eyes with Karen's. "About two weeks."

She gasped and felt tears she didn't realize were in her eyes spill onto her cheeks. "Two weeks?" she whispered.

He nodded, squeezing her arm gently. "It didn't take long for the alcohol, cocaine and heroin to leave your system, but with all the pills you were taking, it took a while for your body to come out of it's state of shock and withdrawals."

Karen shook her head, trying to rack her brain. "I don't remember anything, though. All I remember is that guy in the alley-" She suddenly stopped, her eyes cold, staring into the distance of the hospital room.

Will waited for her to continue, but she never did.

The doctor came in shortly after and released the straps from Karen's arms and legs. He asked her a few questions and she only responded in yes or no answers. Jack woke up during this and jumped out of the chair, his eyes filled with concern.

"Karen," he breathed out when he realized she was awake. He grabbed her now free hand between both of his, his thumb caressing back and forth over her soft skin. "How are you feeling?"

Karen was so overcome with guilt and shame, she couldn't even answer him. The tears were back and her emotions were in full swing, no longer under control by her drugs or alcohol. She let out a sob, the tears flowing rapidly. "I'm so sorry," she rasped. "I'm so sorry!"

Jack immediately wrapped her in his arms, sitting on the edge of the bed and rocking her back and forth while Will rubbed her back and kissed her head. "It's gonna be okay, Karen," Jack whispered. She continued to cry and repeat her contrite, breathing heavily into his chest while her body wracked with sobs.

She eventually exhausted herself, her body still very weak and Jack slowly laid her back down on the bed, wiping stray tears from her face. He stood back up when he was certain she was deep in her slumber again and turned to Will and who was talking quietly in the corner of the room with the doctor. He stalked over to them, catching the last of their conversation.

"I think that would be best," the doctor said, nodding at Will.

"What's going on?" Jack asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Will turned to face Jack, his arms over his chest. "We were discussing Karen being released today," he told him. "We think she needs to stay with someone instead of going back into that huge penthouse alone."

"She's staying with me," Jack said immediately.

"Jack," Will started, but he cut him off.

"Will," he placed his arm on his friend's shoulder. "Karen will stay with me. I'm not letting her out of my sight again."

Will sighed, knowing he wasn't going to change Jack's mind and nodded in agreement.

* * *

Later that evening, after Karen was discharged, they entered Jack's apartment quietly. Karen was slightly shocked at the sight of it - Will was right, it looked like no one had set foot in the apartment for weeks. She slowly followed Jack to the bedroom where he set down a bag full of Karen's things that Rosie fetched for him from the manse. He turned to face her with a warm smile.

"I'm gonna go scavenge Will's apartment for food. You want anything special or should I surprise you?" he asked gently.

Karen shrugged and returned his grin, though it felt forced. "I'm not really hungry, honey. So whatever you want is fine."

Jack frowned at her response, but decided not to push it. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute."

He left and Karen sighed, looking down at her clothes. Rosie brought her a pair of black slacks, heels, and an almost see-through black blouse, something she normally would wear, but it felt too constricting, like it was choking her. She fidgeted for a few moments and then snapped, yanking the clothes off herself almost violently. She hissed when she twisted too sharply and a pain shot through her ribs. Most of her bruises had healed, but some areas were still tender. She slowed her movements down, careful to not cause anymore pain to her body. Once she was down to just her panties, she rummaged through Jack's closet, looking for something to toss on. She found a blue button down shirt and slipped into it, buttoning it up to just below her breasts. She grabbed a pair of socks from his dresser and slid them on her cold, tiny feet, bunching the material around her ankles.

Feeling like she still couldn't breathe, Karen rushed over to the window and opened it wide, letting the cold air hit her and strangely bring a warm feeling to her body. She sat on the window sill, her feet dangling from the window, toes barely touching the fire escape in front of her and she stared out at the night.

Jack entered the apartment with a various amount of food in his arms. He had Twizzlers, fruit, chips and dip, left over noodles, and two bottles of water. He set the food down on the counter in the kitchen and went to the bedroom to get Karen. He found her sitting in the open window and stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame, watching her with his arms crossed over his chest. She looked relaxed for the first time since waking up that morning. Her short hair blew gently from the wind and he smirked when he saw she was wearing his shirt.

"I couldn't breathe," she said, her voice startling him slightly. She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him with big, innocent eyes.

He pushed himself off the door frame and made his way over to her, his hands resting on her shoulders and she leaned back against him. They stayed there for a long time, neither knowing how many minutes went by. They were content with just being near each other again for what seemed like the first time in months. He felt her shiver and glanced down to see the goosebumps rising on her legs.

"We should eat," he told her, stepping away from the window.

Karen crawled back into the apartment and Jack closed the window, locking it back into place. "I'm not hungry," she reminded him.

"You have to eat something, Kare," he said gently, his hand reaching out to stroke her soft cheek that still had some discoloration of bruising. "I'm in charge of taking care of you. And I want..." he paused, his eyes boring into hers, almost pleading. "I _need_ to make sure you're okay."

Karen stared up at him, a bunch of emotions going through her at once, but the strongest was guilt. She relented and nodded her head at him before following him into the kitchen. He was right, she did need to eat, but more importantly to her, she needed him to take care of her. She hopped up onto the counter, wincing slightly from the discomfort it caused her sore body and watched Jack as he microwaved the noodles. He grabbed the chips and stuffed a few into his mouth before he opened the dip. He dunked a chip into the sour cream and onion flavored dip and held it up to Karen's lips. She smiled and opened her mouth, biting part of the chip off and chewing it slowly while he tossed the remaining bit into his mouth. The microwave dinged and Jack went to grab the warm noodles along with two forks. He sat on the counter next to her with the noodles between them. They ate in silence, the only sounds coming from the occasional crunch of chips and the scraping of their forks against the glass container the noodles were in.

When they finished, Jack hopped down off the counter and put the dishes in the sink, running hot water over them for a moment and then he put the chips and dip away. He stepped over to Karen and stood between her legs, leaning forward so his face was pressed against her bare chest, his lips pressed delicately to her skin and his hands on either side of her thighs. Karen snaked her arms around his neck and Jack placed his hands under her butt, lifting her off the counter. Karen wrapped her legs around his waist and let him carry her to the bedroom, her nose pressed against his shoulder, taking in his scent. Jack set her down on the bed and tucked her in under the covers. He placed a tender kiss to her forehead and told her he was going to change for bed to which she nodded sleepily at him.

He grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms and a tshirt from the dresser and went to the bathroom to do his nightly routine. When he emerged a few minutes later, he turned out the lights and locked the door. He shuffled back into the bedroom and smiled when he saw Karen sitting on the bed waiting for him, her legs crossed and her eyes cast down. He noticed the covers were thrown haphazardly on to the floor at the end of the bed.

"I thought I tucked you in," he commented with a grin.

"The covers were too constricting," she said in a final tone and he knew not to question her further about it. He figured she was going to have some sort of neurosis after the traumatic event she went through.

He crawled onto the bed next to her and patted her leg as he laid back, his arms open. Karen climbed on him, her head on his chest tucked under his chin and her leg between his legs. Jack wound his arms around her back holding her to him. It didn't take long for either of them to fall asleep, the long day exhausting them both.

When Karen woke the next morning she sat up, alarmed. The quick movement caused her vision to go black as she had a head rush and she reached out next to her to grab a hold of Jack, her sight slowly came back to her. When she found the bed empty she began to panic. "Jack?" she called out, her voice rasp from sleep. She waited and listened, but no response came. "Jack!" she called out louder. Still nothing. Karen jumped out of the bed and began to run towards the living room when she ran smack into Jack who was walking into the bedroom.

"Hey, hey, hey," he breathed out, grabbing her arms and looking down into her frantic eyes. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

Karen pressed her hands to his chest unable to help the tears that welled in her eyes. She didn't know if they were the aftermath of her slight panic attack or from the relief of seeing Jack. "I woke up and you weren't there," she whimpered.

Jack peered down at her, his face wrinkled with concern. "I was in the bathroom. You were sound asleep when I got up and I didn't want to wake you."

Karen nodded and she swallowed her tears, stepped back from him. "I-I'm gonna take a quick shower."

He still stared at her skeptically, but he seemed to let her little freak-out go for now. "Your toiletries are all in there. I'll get dressed and wait for you so we can go over to Will's for breakfast."

Karen disappeared into the bathroom and Jack kept his eyes on the door until he heard the shower turn on. He went into the bedroom and dressed himself in his khakis and a blue sweater. He put on his socks and shoes and then grabbed Karen's bag, emptying the contents on the bed. He sorted through her clothes, separating the shirts and pants by style. He told Rosie to grab comfortable clothes, but for Karen that was a difficult feat. He picked out a pair of designer jeans and a black Givenchy oversized sweater and then put the rest of the clothes away in his dresser and closet. Karen came into the room a few moments later, her hair perfectly styled and a towel around her chest.

"I picked out an outfit," Jack said, gesturing to the bed where her clothes laid.

Karen smiled sweetly at him and leaned up on her tip toes to kiss his cheek appreciatively. With their height difference she could only reach his chin and Jack giggled. She dropped her towel and reached for the clothes while Jack sat on the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for her to finish dressing. In a few short minutes, the friends exited the small apartment and stalked across the hall, opening the door to 9C. Will was in the kitchen cooking a large breakfast and Grace sat at the table drinking a mug filled with coffee as she read the newspaper.

"Hey guys!" he greeted them cheerfully. "I hope you're hungry cause I've made a _huge_ breakfast!"

"Ooh, I'm starved," Jack groaned as he climbed the steps up to see what Will was serving.

Karen sat in a chair next to Grace and poured herself a cup of coffee from the carafe sitting on the table. Grace smiled gently at her, a hand coming up to rub her back. "How you feeling, Kare? Did you sleep well?"

Karen nodded. "Yeah, honey," she said. She sipped at the coffee, grimacing at the unusual taste of not having Bailey's mixed in. "My Jackie kept me nice and warm all night."

"That's sweet," the redhead commented before she went back to her newspaper.

"So, Kare," Jack addressed her, stepping down from the kitchen. "What do you wanna do today?"

She stared up at him, a pout forming on her lips. "I don't know, Jackie." She shrugged, her eyebrows knit together as she thought. "I thought everyone had to work?"

"We took the day off," Will informed her. "We wanted to spend some time with you since..." He paused, not sure how to address the last few months. "Well, since you're out of the hospital."

Karen nodded and her eyes darted to each of her friends, seeing the expectant looks on all their faces. "Well, um, we could go shopping?"

"Yay!" Jack jumped up and down in excitement, clapping his hands together enthusiastically. Karen had to smile at his antics.

"Sounds like a plan," Will agreed. "Breakfast is served!"

* * *

Karen watched Jack flit from rack to rack, searching for a pair of pants that would simultaneously show off his butt and elongate his legs; something that made no sense to her, but who was she to question a gay man and his style? Grace sidled up next to her, bumping her hip lightly and Karen smiled up at her briefly.

"What's going on?" Grace asked, knowing something was troubling her friend.

Karen sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry I'm so boring," she said quietly. "I'm not used to being..."

"Sober?" the taller woman offered. Karen whipped her head up and stared at Grace's understanding look. "Karen," she placed a hand on her arm, pausing their footsteps. "Just because you're not hopped up on pills or drunk doesn't mean you have to stop being yourself. We all know exactly who you are we _love_ _you_. Sure, you were a bit wild, but the wildness has to come from somewhere, it doesn't have to only be triggered by drugs or alcohol. You were never boring before and you never will be, okay?"

Karen nodded slowly, reaching down to grab Grace's hand in her own and they began walking again in the direction Will and Jack went. "Thank you, Gracie," she said quietly. "I know I'm not well versed when it comes to expressing my feelings, or any emotion at all for that matter, but I do love you. You, Will and Jack have been the one constant in my life for the past five years and I pushed you all away when I needed you most..." Her voice cracked with emotion and she squeezed Grace's hand tightly in her own.

Grace stopped them again by pulling Karen to her, her arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders while Karen's locked around her waist. "Hey, it's okay," she soothed, her voice quiet and calm in Karen's ear. "We're here and we will always be here, Karen. No matter how many times you push us away we will never stop coming back to fight for you. You're reaching out now and that is what's important."

Karen sniffled into Grace's shoulder moved her head slightly as a sign of acknowledgement. They pulled apart slowly and looked at each other, smiles breaking out onto their faces respectively when they realized they just had a moment in the middle of a department store.

"Lord," Karen chuckled, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. "I'm a fuckin' mess."

"No," Grace shook her head with a smirk on her lips. "You're human." She leaned down and kissed Karen's cheek affectionately and they shared another lingering hug.

"Everything okay?" They heard Will say from a slight distance.

The girls parted and saw Jack and Will walking up to them, Jack's eyes were locked on Karen, his face filled with concern. When he reached her, he grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together. "Are you all right?" he asked worriedly.

Karen beamed up at him after sharing a look with Grace. "I'm perfect, Poodle," she told him. "But I am a little tired. Do you mind if we go home?"

"No, Kare, not at all," he said with assurance and then he pouted. "I couldn't find my jeans anyway."

"Aww, my poor baby," she pouted with him, squeezing his hand.

Will and Grace decided to see a movie as they were exiting the store so they split up after hailing cabs back home. Jack didn't let go of Karen's hand for once second the entire way home and he kept his eyes on her as she watched the city go by in the window of the taxi. She looked utterly exhausted by the time they got back to the apartment and Jack instructed Karen to take a nap.

Karen shed her clothes as soon as she entered the bedroom, putting on Jack's t-shirt that he slept in the night before and she climbed into bed. Jack stayed in the living room, flipping through channels absentmindedly, a bored expression covering his features. About ten minutes passed when he heard Karen calling out to him. He frowned and walked into the bedroom to find her staring up at him with a pitiful expression.

"What's the matter, Kare?" he asked, standing by the bed. "Do you need something?"

"Just you," she said sullenly, hoping to lure him into the bed with her. Her face lit up gleefully when Jack removed his shoes to climb in with her. He wrapped her securely in his arms, their chests pressed together tightly. "I love you, Jackie," she whispered, staring up at his face.

Jack opened his eyes and looked down at her briefly before he leaned in and kissed her softly. He pulled away and rubbed their noses together. "I love you, too."

* * *

 _She felt his hands on her body, squeezing, grabbing, taking. She kept opening her mouth to scream, but no sound came. She couldn't get away. She was pressed so hard against the wall and, oh God, he was thrusting into her so painfully. Her arms were weak, she couldn't push him away. 'Please,' she begged, but he just laughed in her face. Why wasn't she at home in the loving embrace of her best friend? Why did she yell at him? Why did she push him away?_

Karen sat up with a loud gasp, waking up from her nightmare. Her body was drenched with sweat and her breathing was labored, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

"Karen?" Jack asked groggily from beside her. "What's going on?" He sat up, wiping the sleep from his eyes and took in his friend's appearance. "Hey, are you okay?"

Karen swallowed and wiped the sweat from her brow, turning to look at him with a fake smile. "I'm okay, honey," she lied. "I'm just hot, that's all." She climbed out of the bed and grabbed the towel she used that morning from the floor. "I'm gonna go take another shower."

Jack watched her leave the room with a frown, his chest tight with a feeling that something was wrong. He knew she was lying to him the second she looked at him, but he didn't want to push her, knowing she would come to him when she was ready. He was hoping it was sooner rather than later. The longer she kept her demons buried, the longer it would take for her to heal fully.

Karen opened the shower door and stepped inside under the cold stream of water, letting it shock her heated body. She grabbed a loufa and some body wash, pouring a copious amount onto it. She began to scrub at her body, trying to wash away the touch of the man's hands off her body. She felt like it was still happening - _his hands, his sweat, the sound of his voice, the feel of his cock as he forced himself inside of her_. She scrubbed harder, a sob escaping her lips, her eyes shut tight.

"No," she cried. "No! Get off!" She began to scream. _His face sneering at her, his body slamming into hers over and over again_. "NO! Stop! Someone help me! Please! Help!"

Jack shot up from the bed the second he heard Karen shouting and burst into the bathroom. He slid open the shower door almost violently and saw Karen scrubbing her body vigorously, her eyes closed and sobbing.

"Stop it! Get off of me, please!" She wailed.

"Karen!" Jack said loudly as he stepped into the shower with her, not caring that he was still fully dressed. "Karen, look at me!" He grabbed her arms to stop her scrubbing, noticing the blood trickling down to her hands.

"NO! NO, LET GO!" She screamed louder and thrashed about in his grip.

"It's me, Karen!" He yelled. "Open your eyes, it's Jack!"

Karen's eyes slowly opened, her body shaking with the force of her sobs and she searched Jack's features, recognition registering on her face. "Jack," she whispered. She collapsed into him, her knees weak and Jack held her to him, his own tears streaming down his face.

"I got you, Karebear," he told her soothingly as she wept. "It's just me." He held her until her sobbing subsided, only sniffles occasionally sounding from her. He moved to turn off the shower and felt her cling to him harder.

"No no no," she repeated desperately. "Don't let me go, please!"

"Karen, I got you," he repeated, smoothing a hand down her back in a comforting way. "I need to turn off the shower and get some clothes on you, you're freezing." He felt her shake her head and he sighed before he leaned down, keeping her in his embrace as he turned off the shower. He lifted her up into his arms, her legs latching tightly to his waist and stepped out of the shower, but when he went to set her down she refused to let go of him. "Kare..."

"Please, Jack," she begged. "Please don't let go."

Jack felt his heart break in his chest and stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. He moved over to the sink and set her on top of it, keeping his arms around her waist as he spoke. "I'm not letting go, okay? I just need to get out of these wet clothes." She nodded, holding tighter to his neck and he moved his arms slowly from around her back to peel his soaked pants and boxers off his lower body. He grabbed her wrists and untangled her arms from around his neck, instructing her to help him remove his shirt so she could still feel him with her. Once he was naked, his body shivering from the cold, he lifted her up again and took her to the bedroom, turning out the lights on his way. He sat on the bed and reached for the sheets, pulling them with him as he laid them both back against the inviting warmth of the pillows, her legs straddling his hips and her breasts resting on his stomach. Karen had her face pressed to his muscular chest, listening intently to his steady heartbeat echoing in her ear.

They were quiet for a long time, their eyes focused on the large window, watching the sun as it began it's descent behind the many buildings of the city before them. Karen was still taking in shuddering breaths, but they eventually evened out, making Jack think she was falling asleep. He stroked his fingers up and down her back, his nose buried in her damp hair.

"I was looking for my dealer," she croaked out, causing Jack to jump slightly from the sudden break of silence. Her fingers traced invisible lines on his chest as she spoke, unable to look him in the eye. "He must have heard that his boss was coming for him so he skipped out. His boss found me instead and he knew that I would pay my dealer sometimes with... with blowjobs, so he asked... he _demanded_ one." She paused, licking her lips and concentrated on Jack's breathing, the feeling keeping her calm as she explained that fateful night to him. "I spit in his face and yelled at him and he got angry. He pushed me against the wall and..." She stopped, squeezing her eyes shut as the image of her attacker's face filled her mind again, but she forced her eyes back open when Jack pressed a kiss to her head, reminding her that she was in his arms and safe. "When I tried to push him away hit me and I blacked out for a few seconds. Before I realized what was going on, it was too late... I couldn't stop him." She let out a long breath. "The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital bed."

Jack was silent for a few moments, letting the information process in his mind. He licked his lips, and asked the question he had been dying to know the answer to for months now. "Why didn't you come to me, Kare? Or to Will or Grace? Why did you turn to drugs?"

Karen's lip trembled as tears once again filled her eyes. "I was scared you didn't want me," she confessed. "I was supposed to be the strong one. I was supposed to not have any emotion, any feelings. And I didn't want to have them. I wanted to be numb, but it wasn't working anymore. I just kept feeling everything - betrayal, remorse, anger, sadness... I loved Stanley so much and he dropped me so quickly for that whore. And then he died suddenly and I just couldn't cope. I didn't want your pity, so I turned to my old habits, but by the time I realized what I was doing I thought you guys hated me and I didn't want you to see me like that. So, I pushed you away again." She let out a sob, her tears soaking his bare chest. "I'm so sorry, Jackie," she uttered huskily. "I'm sorry."

"Sshh, it's okay," he whispered. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Karen." She raised her head, her chin resting against his chest and their eyes locked. "I'm sorry I didn't try harder," Jack told her. "I kept repeating that night in my head, berating myself for not fighting back, for not fighting for you. I never should have left you. I was a coward."

Karen shook her head and raised herself up a little, grabbing his face between her hands. "You're not a coward," she told him, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "You did fight for me, Jackie. You found me that night, remember? You saved my life. _You_." She slowly smiled, her eyes boring into his. "You're my big, strong man."

Jack breathed out a laugh and Karen giggled along with him.

"I always thought I needed the crutch of drugs or alcohol to wash away my pain and my feelings, but I don't." She traced her finger along his jaw lovingly. "I need you, and Will and Grace. I don't want to be numb anymore."

Jack gazed up at her beautiful face, illuminated perfectly by the moonlight shining in from the window. He hoped his eyes conveyed everything he was feeling because he had no clue how to put it into words. Instead he lifted his head from the pillow and kissed her sweetly. Karen didn't hesitate to kiss him back, pouring herself into it. They parted slowly, sharing a mutual smile and Karen settled her head back on his chest, her eyes drifting closed as her body succumbed to sleep.

* * *

The weeks passed by quick. Karen eventually went back to work, picking up her original routine of filing her nails and reading her magazines. She and Grace chatted normally and the boys would come by during lunch to visit or take them out. Will convinced Karen to press charges against the drug lord that attacked her and luckily this was the third charge brought to the court's attention from the man to which they convicted him for 20 years in prison, along to additional years for drugs and possible murder charges. Their lives started to go back to normal never minding the fact that Karen was now sober. Grace couldn't have been more right when they had their heart-to-heart at the department store - Karen easily slipped back into her sassy and brassy self. She made fun of Grace's clothes, helped Jack insult Will about his non-existent weight problem, and took Jack out shopping after lunch, the two never returning back to the office after. The difference, though, was that no matter how much she made fun of them, she always made sure they knew she loved them - whether it was a kiss on the cheek, a warm hug, or the words themselves.

"So, Kare," Grace addressed her one day in the office, coming to stand next to her desk as she sorted through the mail. "When are you moving back into the manse?"

Karen frowned and looked at up quizzically, setting her magazine on the desk in front of her. "What do you mean?"

Grace stared back looking bemused. "Aren't you planning on going back? Jack's apartment is barely big enough for just him," she smiled. "I can't imagine you two being comfortable with such little space. I mean, Will and I had separate bedrooms and even we had problems."

Karen furrowed her brow, a small pout forming on her lips as she thought about it. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I mean, we get along great. It didn't even occur to me that I need to move back to the manse. I've just been going with the flow."

Grace bit her lip, feeling like she overstepped. "If you and Jack are happy then I'm sure it's fine. Forget I said anything." She offered a smile and went back to work.

Karen couldn't stop thinking about it though. Was she stepping on Jack's toes? She had been living with him for a month now and she couldn't have been happier, but did he feel the same? Her doubts came rushing forward to her mind and she felt overwhelmed and vulnerable.

"Gracie, I'm gonna head out," she said, standing to gather her purse.

"You okay?"

Karen licked her lips and pressed a hand to her forehead, trying to calm her nerves. "Yeah, I just don't feel too well."

"Karen, if this is about what I said-"

"No, no, honey," she walked over and squeezed her arm in assurance. "I'm just feeling under the weather. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Grace accepted her excuse and Karen left, her stomach churning as thoughts battled in her head.

Jack didn't arrive home until late that evening. He had returned to his job at Barney's when Karen began working for Grace again, but he made sure he was only part-time so he could spend as much time with Karen as possible. It wasn't like he needed the money anyway - Karen and Will basically paid for everything in his life, but it was something to do while Karen was at work. He entered the apartment and saw the bedroom light was on. He stepped in to find Karen sitting in the window again, another one of his sweaters adorning her body. This was a habit of hers - the second she entered the apartment she would change into his clothes. Usually it was a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers, but sometimes it was his sweaters or button down shirts. She had a lit cigarette delicately placed between her fingers, the carton sitting next to her on the windowsill. She was leaning back against the frame of the window, one leg dangling outside of it and the other brought up to her chest, exposing her perfect creamy thigh to him.

"You know, you've done so well quitting the pills and alcohol," he said snidely as he entered the room causing Karen to look at him. "You'd think you would be able to give up smoking, too."

Karen smiled at him, despite the crazy, doubtful thoughts that plagued her mind. "It's not like I smoke two packs a day," she reminded him. "Just when I'm anxious."

He nodded knowingly at her and reached down to grab the carton of cigarettes. He shook one out and swiftly grabbed her Gucci lighter, lighting the butt and puffing out a cloud of smoke. Karen stared up at him in astonishment, her jaw dropped. He noticed the look on her face and let out a chuckle. "What?"

Karen scoffed at him. "What do you mean, _what_?" She raised her eyebrow curiously. "When in the hell did you start smoking?"

"When I met that guy at Joe and Larry's wedding," he reminded her. "I don't do it often, just occasionally." He moved to sit on the windowsill opposite her, his thigh under her bent leg and he draped his other leg over hip, tangling it together with hers out the window. If they were anyone else in the world, they'd be uncomfortable, but they were Jack and Karen. They smoked together in silence, their eyes drifting to each other when the other wasn't looking, the cool breeze washing over them. "So, what are you anxious about?"

Karen glanced at him, her heart beating rapidly against her chest. She took a long drag and then put out the cigarette, flicking it over the fire escape. Jack watched it cascade down until it hit the ground and he smirked, the flourish of movement so simply Karen. She let out a breath and waved her hand in front of her face to let the smoke disperse. Jack put his cigarette out as well, setting it aside to be tossed properly later and waited patiently for her to open up to him.

"Jack," she began, her voice timid. "Are you okay with me being here?"

Jack's eyes widened in surprise. "What?" He sounded incredulous and Karen bit her lip shyly, her gaze locking her on folded hands in her lap. "Karen, of course I'm okay with you being here. I actually demanded you stay with me."

"Yeah, but that was a month ago... And I've gotten better, better enough to go home..." She faltered and looked up from her hands to gauge his reaction. "I just need to know that I'm not overstaying my welcome."

He didn't say anything for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed together and his face contorted in conflict. "Did I do something to make you feel this way?"

"No, honey!" She closed the distance between them, straddling his thighs and placing her hands on either side of his cheeks so he could see the sincerity in her eyes. "No, honey, you've done nothing wrong. I just..." She sighed, feeling his arms snake around her waist, his hands settling on her lower back. "I don't want you to resent me or hate me later on down the road because I'm getting in your way. I mean, you haven't been on a date in over a month, Jack. Don't you want to get back out there and find Mr. Right?"

Jack exhaled loudly before he answered. "Yeah, eventually," he told her honestly. "But I love being around you. Karen. I love taking care of you and you taking care of me. I don't want to come home and you not be there waiting for me."

"Then move in with me."

Jack stared at her in bewilderment. "What?"

Karen smiled and leaned her forehead against his. "I want you to move in with me, Jackie," she whispered. "We need more space and I have a staff of thirty that I know are just dying to have me boss them around again. I don't want to be without you either. So, you should move in with me, at the manse, in the good part of the house where I will be."

Jack opened and closed his mouth a few times before his face broke out in a beaming smile. "Are you for real?" he exclaimed. She nodded and Jack squealed like a thirteen year old girl who just met her idol.

"Ah!" Karen exclaimed and covered her ears. "Pipe down, Mary!"

Jack rolled his eyes and began tickling her. Karen screeched, trying to get away from his hands, but then he pressed his mouth to hers gently, quieting her giggles.

* * *

 _Epilogue_

He watched her from the doorway of the balcony. She was wearing his shirt again, despite the fact that she had an entire closet full of her own night clothes. She was barefoot, her legs crossed at her ankles and her arms folded over her chest, her chin tilted as she gazed at the stars. The summer breeze drifted over her, causing her long hair to sway with it in a beautiful dance. She illuminated radiance and joy.

"How was your date?"

He would never figure out how she did that - seeming to know where he was at all times. He pushed his shoulder off the door frame and made his way over to her, his hands in his pockets. "It was good," he told her. "He's taking me to lunch tomorrow."

She grinned, delighted for him, but kept her eyes on the sky. He stepped closer to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and bringing her back against his chest. He kissed her hair and rest his chin on her head, his blue eyes gleaming in the night.

"You happy, Kare?"

Karen brought her hands up, resting them on his over her stomach and closed her eyes in content.

"I've never felt more alive in my life, honey."


End file.
